Adventures in Juggling

You might want to step far away from me because the good Lord just might smite me right here and now for the title of this blog post. Still I couldn’t help myself. It just seemed to be the perfect title.

Remember when I shared that the hormones were really flying here under the Big Top? Well I gotta tell y’all to forget those raging pregnancy hormones. The adolescent raging hormones are nothing either. And those pre-pubescent hormonal surges are just too unpredictable to really be considered in this case. People, we have hormones in a bottle in LOTION form here under the Big Top! Just a little dollop no bigger than a quarter rubbed into a large body surface area on a daily basis is all it takes (hopefully) to achieve hormonal balance. Ain’t getting older just peachy? Hopefully we won’t get the progesterone and the testosterone lotions mixed up.

That could be bad, I think.

If you got through reading this without smelling singed hair or flesh then you know that God is probably amused and that is good. After all, the good Lord is the creator of all things, including hormones.

I’m twittering today.

It just isn’t right that I am dealing with potty training, wiggly first teeth and learning how to read, write and tie one’s shoes in the midst of hot flashes and other annoying, uncomfortable things going on with my body. Yes, I know, this is what I get for adding to the family circus when I turned 40. Still, I just can’t help but believe that it ain’t right.

I just might have to hijack Holly’s midwife appointment with my own health issues.

I am forty-six years old…forty-six freaking years old and I have the biggest, angry, red ZIT right smack dab between my eyebrows!

WTH?!

No, I’m not going to share a picture. Just close your eyes and imagine for yourself…and stop laughing! Now!

At least my laptop is healthy again.

According to Tim Gunn:

If you’re over 40, you should never wear:

1. Horizontal stripes

2. Jackets that hit at mid-thigh

3. Pleated pants

4. Double-breasted blazers

5. Capri-length pants

6. Low-rise jeans

Well I guess I better get started on cleaning out my closet. Seriously, the only things I can claim to on this list is the low rise jeans and the capris. Now someone tell me what am I supposed to wear come summer time that is cool, casual and covers up those butt-ugly vericose veins I earned while birthin’ all those babies?

to new glasses. I seriously can’t see what I am typing right now.
Just in case anyone wonders.

So I’ve already put it out there that plantar fasciitis sucks. The last time it reared it’s ugly head I was breastfeeding a toddler-aged Jodie. I learned then that my Birkenstocks were bad for me (although some experts would suggest they are a good thing) and I had to stop running.
That sucked. But I tossed the Birkies and found alternative aerobic activities to get the runner’s high I so enjoyed.
Ten years later and I find myself walking like an old, really old, older than my Grandma old woman. Now how the heck am I supposed to “run” to deliveries when I am hobbled like this? Even worse, I am driving my kids to school instead of walking with them. It’s only a slippery slope down to the crazed PTA mom who will run anyone/thing down while dropping the little darlings off one minute before the late bell rings.
::::kidding::::
So here I am following doctor’s orders again resting, icing my feet while ingesting heavy duty anti-inflammatories. I don’t have to ditch any shoes yet but I do have to refrain from chasing my kids for now as well as jump off the elliptical trainer and walking track. Actually I am to avoid any weight-bearing exercise for now. It’s nothing but gentle stretches while my tender feet heal. Thank goodness I wear drawstring scrub pants for work because I have a feeling my thighs, belly and ass aren’t going to benefit from the doctor’s orders. There’s always yoga after a little healing he tells me. Yoga is cool. I like yoga to stretch out the kinks and help me relax sometimes but I don’t know. I know Madonna swears that yoga is what makes her forty-nine year old self so svelte and hot but will it work for me? I don’t know…I really don’t think I can juggle three hour workouts into my act.
Ugh!
Did I say that plantar fasciitis sucks?
Oh, yeah I did didn’t I?

John Scalzi writes:

Your Monday Photo Shoot: Take a picture of something in your house you used to use a lot, but now hardly use at all. This could be a piece of obsolete technology, or possibly some equipment for a hobby you no longer pursue, or just something you stopped fiddling with for no good reason at all — the basic idea is simply to highlight something that no longer has that much use for you, for whatever reason.

This contact lens is something I used to manipulate and wear for nearly twenty years practically everyday but no more!

It is no secret here that I wear glasses…coke-bottle thick glasses. It also is no secret that I have worn glasses for a very long time…since I was 8 months old. For those who are math-impaired like me that factors out to nearly 45 years. It is definitely a part of who I am but it isn’t necessarily something that I was always comfortable with. I guess a lot of my own discomfort had to do with the way I was regarded when I was growing up. It’s amazing the shallow view some people have and jut how hurtful it can be. Nevertheless, the glasses were definitely an extension of the physical me because they are the very first thing I reach for when I wake up in the morning.
I wore contact lenses for nearly twenty years and loved it. It boosted my own self-confidence and also gave me insight into how much we value we actually do place in the physical.
I gave up wearing contact lenses about 5 year ago because even the one most nearsighted person (-17 correction) must deal with the reality of getting older. I discovered that even I my arms can become too short when it comes to trying o read fine print. One would think that with presbyopia would come an improvement with myopia. My opthamalogist laughingly explained that it doesn’t work that way. So I gave up wearing my contact lenses that I wore for over twenty years ago and put the glasses back on. Vanity is no longer an issue because I am mostly comfortable in my own skin. Cruel comments reminiscent of my childhood are on rare occasion still heard but frankly they don’t affect me as much because I can see clearly the person who utter such meanness for who they are and I don’t need these glasses to do that.

I know there are some amazing surgical procedures to correct vision out there. For the record, no, Lasik is not for me. Yes, I did check it out and even sought several opinions. The one option to surgically correct my vision just might be a reality for me in the not so distant future. At a recent eye check-up, my doctor and I discussed it again. It is definitely an option but we both agree waiting a few years is a good thing because right now insurance won’t cover it as long as it is for cosmetic reasons. But the good/bad news is because of the degree of myopia I have, I am very likely to develop cataracts and then the insurance gods will agree to cover the necessary surgical procedure. Until then, I can wait. Besides I have some uber-cool new glasses I will be wearing very soon.

I am loving the life of a brunette so I had darling daughter #1 touch it up as well as change the blonde highlights to red (it’s almost Fall people) yesterday. So there I was yesterday sitting in Holly’s salon chair at her school getting my hair colored. As a Rockstar came on the stereo, Holly asks me, “Why is it that old people like Nickelback so much?”
OLD PEOPLE?
OLD!?
I am supposed to know the answer to this in spite of the fact (so she tells me) that I have only one gray hair…that is there because of her, by the way.
But I must know the answer because I have Nickelback on my iPod.
Wait a minute!
Yes, I have Nickelback on the ‘Pod as well as Linkin Park and Modest Mouse and Death Cab for Cutie and Green Day and Foo Fighters, and, and…oh never mind.
Hey! I have Nirvana too!
So what if I am old.

Where have I been you are wondering? Okay, so I am not always the expert juggler I want y’all to think that I am.
Get over it.
Bill is home at last and, after being educated on the finer points of traveling away from the circus: CALL home and don’t stop at the store down the street for travel booty for the clowns and juggling love of your life, he was welcomed home like the conquering Ring Master he wants to be.
BACK TO SCHOOL is looming its giant shadow over our Big Top and we are scrambling to get ready. It all starts tomorrow. I am very much ready but then again I am not so sure if I am ready at all. Daniel starts kindergarten, ready or not.
This weekend I went clubbing with some friends and I discovered a few things:

• It was fun to actually dress up with club hair, make-up and perfume wearing skinny jeans, hot shoes and a top that puts the girls and Daniel’s tattoo out there to play.
• I am older than a few of my co-workers whom I thought were older than me and sometimes socialize with. OMG! I thought she was like TEN YEARS OLDER than me! She’s not.
• Club life isn’t what it was when I went clubbing….that would be when cave dwellers discovered fire, boys and girls.
• Foreplay is no longer necessary if one is dancing at a club. ….OMG! Guys were bumping, grinding, rubbing and…get your hands of those right now, Buddy!!…all over me and that was dancing. Okay that makes me sound really old but seriously, I normally reserve that kind of dancing for the bedroom with the door locked, the little kids tucked safely into bed and teenagers out of the house. This mom should take note of this. Never mind surviving the trauma of the little kids walking in on you, it is when the big kids hear you and tell you what they heard that you will truly be mortified.
• It was all good, semi-clean fun until I actually talked to the guy who seemed to want to dance with me a lot. He just came from his high school reunion with a few of his old school buds. He was class of 1997. WOW! TEN YEARS!!!! That is hecka long ago. TEN YEARS! WOW!! Shut up, Allen!
• Although I only actually had two drinks, It took me a lot longer to actually recover from a night of club-hopping until 3 AM. Rumor has it one of the girls I was with actually reported to work that morning (she was the designated driver so yes, she was sober). I am too old for the clubbing life.
• Yes, I am 45 and hella old but when I am dressed up with my girls out to play a little, 28 year old guys think I am hot and no, perimenopause had nothing to do with it.

Okay, back to reality and juggling…

UPDATE
to answer your question, Allen (and anyone else): Bill INSISTED I go out with my friends. We talked on the phone Saturday and when he asked if I was still going out as we had discussed the week before (note: I am a big girl and don’t need his permission) I told him that I decided not to go out and celebrate my friend’s 40th birthday after all. He kept saying to me that I should go and that I deserved to spend an evening with friends from work. After our conversation, my first born, who stayed home with her brother and sisters, joined the chorus and insisted I should go out as well. I guess he trusts me and knows I can be sensible and faithful even while out with the friends…after all I survived the Vegas booty call vacation with his sisters and cousins.

My dear, “old” friend, Allen, has an adorable wife, Steph, who has graciously sent some material for me to blog in the form of several questions.
Here is the first: How do you get rid of zits on someone who is 7 months old?

I’m still trying to fiure out how to get rid of zits on someone who is 45 years old!
I guess some are just more prone or sensitive to the the bacteria on our skin that provides he perfect set up for acne. One of my girls actually started using Retin-A and taking antibiotics when she was all of six years old for early onset acne. It worked very well but her case was extreme. My answer because I don’t know is talk to the pedi next visit and because our kids’ sickies always clear up when we go to the pedi’s office, take along some photos as proof of her breakouts to get his/her advice.
Now anyone have any advice for the 45 year old? Wrinkles and acne just don’t go well together.

I’m blogging for good all day.